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The Pulpit
Well, over the last few days, triggered mainly be burningmarl's excellent post on feminism, I've been thinking about, and reading about, feminism a lot.

long post about women's rights etc.Collapse )
3 Transgressions or Confession and Catharsis
3 Transgressions or Confession and Catharsis
One of the West Wing episodes we watched earlier dealt, in part, with alcoholism. There was a very interesting quote. An alcoholic was confronted with the fact he had succumbed to drink on a very important day. He said "You're making the mistake of thinking that alcoholism has to do with smarts. It doesn't. Do you know how many alcoholics are in Mensa? It doesn't have to do with willpower."

The brain is a puzzling thing. How can you want one thing and do another? Aspire to one ideal and yet betray it daily? Does your brain war with itself, or is it working together cleverly to find a middle ground between reason and instinct? Why is that structured society percieves people who act more out of reason than instinct as better, while unstructured communities see people who discard reason in favour of instinct as the people to respect? Is that an unconcious commentry on the different patterns and rythyms of structured reason vs. unstructured instinct, or is it a socially enforced stereotype that means working class boys who choose to read and college graduates who choose to fight are looked down on by their peers? (note: stereotypes and generalisations invoked above were in pursuit of a point, not convictions intended to persuade you that working class boys can't graduate :P)

Addiction is a prime example. You know if you give in you'll feel bad about it after. You also know you'll feel good while you indulge. But that's not why you give in. It's not that addicts are weak or stupid. Maybe they're too clever. It's so easy to talk yourself around abstinance. So many excuses that are believable because part of us does believe them. When you give in, you haven't neccesarily got tired of a struggle. You've just decided that right now, you need this, or you aren't strong enough, or it won't hurt and fuck everyone who says it will...

It's not like as your hand reaches for the drink or the cigarette or the razor it jerks back and forth as you wage war against a force so powerful it's threatening to break you. Because the truth is, you're already broken, at least a little. And it doesn't destroy you, it seeps in the cracks.

By the time you start reaching, you've probably already made up your mind.

"Made up your mind". I wonder if it's any coincidence that the other time we "make up" is after a fight. Isn't "Made up your mind" interchangable with "reconciled your mind"? Doesn't it imply that you've reached common ground? Instinct has dragged reason to a point where you have an intellectual point, however thin, behind your decision, or reason has talked instinct round so that your heart isn't screaming bloody murder as you go against the grain of your soul.

Whatever, the point is you can live with yourself. Cohabit with all the different facets, the intelligence and the feelings and everything in between, without too much conflict.

Of course, sometimes there is conflict. Sometimes a decision tears at our heart and fucks with our mind. Maybe this life, every decision we make, is damage control. Trying to keep ourself together, in one peice, cohabiting and reconciling.

A question for anyone who's read this far: Who or what is the arbiter? Is each decision a distillation of all the seperate desires of mind body and soul, or is there a final "will" standing above it all and choosing the most moving argument.

Just a little thought, something to think about.

I may do more on this later.
Confession and Catharsis
Work was ok, only had to work 8:30 - 16:00 on account of having done loads of hours yesterday. Plus got to really properly supervise the floor for an hour, ordering around staff, making sure they were doing the work I'd picked for them, dealing with customers who needed management attention...it was cool, I'd love to be a proper supervisor. And hey, my time may well be nigh.

Also... I've been very philosophical lately. I think I may have to take a step that is scarier than I thought it would be. More later I guess, though one or two people may have seen it coming. But I still need to properly sort it all out in my own mind. Just... my integrity, especially in terms of doing/saying things that are only true to me, and not being at all hypocritical as far as I can help, is very important to me.

We'll see where that goes I guess.

Andrew, if you happen to read this, I think its about time we went our seperate internet ways to be honest, so your decision to remove me is probably for the best. I do honestly hope you grow into the man you could be, and end up happier than you are now. Changing your world as massively as stepping out of the place you are in now takes courage, and is hard, but believe me if you ever believed anything I said: There is nothing more important or healthy you can do.
Confession and Catharsis
Hmm. Just got up, I'm supposed to be in work, uh, 3 minutes ago. I don't know. You try knowing you have to get up and face a cold morning only to have some ignorant phuk have a go at you over and over again about stuff you don't even care about, with no money for lunch and no one you can really talk to, just to earn next to nothing for a long days work, when you already feel like crap as standard anyway. *sighs*. Guess I should go in now.

edit: Also. I have a lack of insomnia problem. I took 4 caffeine pills last night, 4, drifted off to sleep on the sofa about 30 mins after the last, then went to sleep pretty fast when I went to bed at midnight, and slept through till 7.

Present Mood: depressed depressed
Present Music: VNV Nation - Carbon

2 Transgressions or Confession and Catharsis
it's all meme...meCollapse )
3 Transgressions or Confession and Catharsis
I hope I manage to support any kids I have where they are, not where I think they should be.
1 Transgression or Confession and Catharsis
Which Depressed Icon Is You? by drunkaholic
Your Icon
Quiz created with MemeGen!

I'm beginning to see b_h's point. But whenever I see that someone is a blue fairy, I can't help wondering what colour I'd be...

edit: btw...which depressed icon *is* you? Damn...

Present Mood: depressed depressed

1 Transgression or Confession and Catharsis
You are a steroid. You're a special kind of
inter-nuclear hormone and have direct,
immediate effects on the near future; you are
pumped up, ready to go, and excite the people
around you into action. You can also cause

Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Maybe I should try this again when I'm a little calmer.
Confession and Catharsis
Got up early, found something's missing
my only name.
No one else sees but I got stuck,
and soon forever came.
Stopped pushing on for just a second, then nothing's changed.
Who am I this time, where's my name?
I guess it crept away.

No one's calling for me at the door.
And unpredictable won't bother anymore.
And silently gets harder to ignore.
Look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see.
What's done is done, this life has got it's hold on me.
Just let it go, what now can never be.

I forgot that I might see,
So many beautful things.
I forgot that I might need,
to find out what life could bring.

Take this happy ending away, it's all the same.
God won't waste this simplicity on possibility.
Get me up, wake me up, dreams are filling
this trace of blame.
Frozen still I thought I could stop,
now who's gonna wait.

No one's calling for me at the door.
and unpredictable won't bother anymore.
and silently gets harder to ignore.
look straight ahead, there's nothing left to see.
what's done is done, this life has got it's hold on me.
just let it go, what now can never be.

Now what do I do?
can I change my mind?
did I think things through?

It was once my life - it was my life at one time.

-Andain, Beautiful Things
Confession and Catharsis